Learning that ‘Not’ Knowing is Alright
Realizing What’s Important
In the year 2021 (that has a sort of ancient allure to it — cue the theme music), my young family and I have gone through an immense amount of change. In today’s world, uncertainty abounds. I have tried to find some way to counterbalance that by understanding what is right in front of me. Family. Life. The Journey.
As a new dad, I decided to move my family across the ocean. From the States → to Europe. I was given just over 60 days to gather up my life, pack up my house and family (and car, and dog), and move around the world. All the while, as many of us do, wondering, “Have I made the right decision?”
All the things we deal with as people do not stop because you leap for something — death, birth, friendships, opportunities (sometimes missed).
The truth, or the truth as it seems to me, is that we have no idea if we’ve made the right call. That’s the gist of it — no one knows if that left or right will be right, or wrong in a given moment. I’ve known this for some time, but I’ve started to grasp this more this year.
The truth, or the truth as it seems to me, is that we have no idea if we’ve made the right call. That’s the gist of it — no one knows in a given moment if that left or right will be right, or wrong. I’ve known this for some time, but I’ve really started to grasp this more this year.
The year has been random, chaotic, surreal, adrenaline-filled, and, at times, a complete drag. Plainly stated, 2021 has been A LOT.
This reflection adds to the noise, but I hope it also spins something useful into at least one other person's day.
What’s Important?
I am starting to think that an essential part of what is vital in our lives is knowing that it is alright not to have all the answers. I am not saying it is easy not to have the most well-laid plan — simply that understanding we cannot have the entire future blueprinted is just the way it works.
Understanding this reality of life has helped me manage those moments where my anxiety seems to take on the final burn phase into the stratosphere (apologies for the poorly planned space joke).
When I have noticed emotions escaping my control, my heart racing, I have started to take just a tiny micro-moment to myself. In these moments, I now take note of my family’s health and well-being, acknowledge the very first-world reality that we live in — food, water, shelter, clothes, etc. — and note that even though the last *insert any amount of time here* hasn't been easy, we are here.
We have no idea what is coming next. But, that’s alright. We didn't know where we would be today when we decided to jump across the ocean not long ago, and that makes me perfectly at ease not knowing what tomorrow holds.
This Year
This year gave me the experience to know what it is like to move across the world during a pandemic. Granted, my family and I did so willingly, unlike many others not so fortunate to do this by choice. I began to read, reflect, and journal much more than I ever have in my life before now. I started a new career and, shortly after that, was able to do something unexpected. That is, I used a language, Pashto, to directly communicate with thousands of human beings going through an evacuation of their entire country — Afghanistan — via several other countries, to land (for most), finally, in the United States.
By far, that experience, being there with so many people going through so much hardship, has changed me in ways I am sure I do not fully comprehend yet. I am thankful to have been in a position, with the other 60 or so interpreters, to be there for them. Many showered us endlessly with gratitude for being, when needed, their voice. It was hard to accept their gratitude then, yet seems much harder now, as I reflect upon this unimaginable experience.
These people gave me so much. They shared their darkest fears, their most profound cultural practices, brought me along for inside jokes, and helped me better understand their language and history. From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely thank them for allowing me to be a small part of their incomprehensible journey that, as a people, ripples across time before time. They have been a formative part of me, even if two months was all that passed.
As this year closes, I say that I am as exhausted as I have ever been for the reasons I would hope to be. I put my heart and soul into this year and had it returned to me a thousandfold from people all around the world. I can say that I am fortunate. I have made friendships during hardship that have undoubtedly formed bonds stronger than steel. I have begun to get to know myself just a bit more via throrough reflection, and in that, appreciate, for what they are, the flaws I see. They are opportunities to grow and evolve.
I am never sure where I will be — where the world will be by the end of next year — I am just becoming more ok with that the older I get. I am learning that the ups and downs, the losses, and the achievements are all equal parts of the journey we take.
Onward, I say. To find whatever’s next.
Chris is an Air Force Veteran turned Air Force Civilian, a dabbling writer of things, and a career Intelligence Professional focused on enabling and realizing innovation culture within National Security.
The views expressed are those of the author and do not reflect the official position of the United States Government, Department of the Air Force, or Department of Defense.
